Bouncing Back: Managing Emotions After a Tough Loss

My mentor coach once gave me the best advice about coaching, and I have never forgotten it: “You are never as good as they say when you win, and you are never as bad as they say when you lose.” You can’t stop people from saying it, but you can stop yourself from believing it.

Handling a tough loss is both delicate and important. We all have pride and emotions that can get us in trouble quickly. I am sure I’m no different from every other coach in the world—I want to win EVERY game. I don’t like losing. But the reality is that every coach will lose games at some point, and some of those losses will be hard to swallow. Maybe it was one of those nights where nothing went right, an inferior team stole a win, or it just felt like the world was crashing down.

It took the better part of 30 years in my career, but I finally grasped this understanding: “We don’t lose; we LEARN.” It didn’t matter what the score was or what the storyline looked like—when we focused on what we could learn from losing instead of just dwelling on the fact that we lost, we got better as a team. And each lesson brought us one step closer to avoiding future losses.

Shifting the Mindset

Communicating this idea to players was the key to our success. But first, I had to check my own emotions and pride at the door. It’s not about me. I had to make it clear to my players that our season is a journey, not a one-game event. I had to show them that my respect and love for them remained the same regardless of the outcome. Once they understood this, they became open to learning from the experience.

When we removed emotion and pride from the equation, we could objectively analyze why we lost:

• Was it effort?
• Was it focus?
• Was it execution?
• Was it technique?
• Was it my scheme?
• Was it a failure to follow the game plan?

All of these are correctable. Fix them. If the other team was simply better, then we shift our focus to the teams we can beat.

Leading Through Loss

Our emotions and response to a loss won’t change the fact that we lost. Sure, it might feel better in the moment to yell, scream, or punch a locker—but we still lost. Worse, those actions might bring unnecessary consequences that make the loss even harder to handle.

Players don’t want to see a coach throw a tantrum. They want to see a leader who guides them with confidence and resilience. Sometimes, it’s best to just acknowledge reality:

“We were bad tonight. I was bad. You were bad. We were bad. Now, let’s fix what caused this loss and not let it happen again. I’m still your biggest fan, and I still love you—win or lose. If we eliminate the mistakes that led to this loss, we’ll make it much harder to lose in the future.”

Losing Can Lead to Winning

Winning covers up a lot of issues—there’s no denying that. But I’ve won games where I felt like we didn’t improve. I’ve won games while still seeing major problems that could hurt us later. Sometimes, a tough loss is exactly what a team needs to get things right. If handled correctly, that loss can become the fuel that drives a team to victories that once seemed out of reach.

If winning was a 100% guarantee, what would be the point of playing? The fun is in trying to win against someone determined to stop you. No matter how weak an opponent may seem, they’re still going to try to win. It’s incredibly difficult to go undefeated at any level. Some nights are just weird. Some nights we just aren’t at our best. Sickness, injuries, and game circumstances can shift an outcome quickly.

The Big Picture

Your response to a loss should reinforce one thing: A player’s value is not tied to wins and losses—it’s tied to their effort, commitment, and growth. Identify what caused the loss, correct it, and stay focused on the journey rather than one individual game.

Not only will your team begin to learn more and lose less, but as a coach, your emotions will be healthier, and your job will be far more enjoyable.

Remember Your Purpose

As coaches in amateur sports, we are not hired to win—no matter what the parents or school board think. We are hired to:

• Teach the game
• Mentor young people
• Develop healthy, successful citizens

Winning and losing are secondary.

“You are never as good as they say when you win, and you are never as bad as they say when you lose.”

Remember that. Love your players, check your pride at the door, and focus on learning instead of losing—because when you do, you’ll never really lose at all.